I was running from loneliness.

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I’m all wide open from the workshop last Sunday which was facilitated by Jennifer Pastiloff. In meditation this morning, I created another journey for my clients by accident but it was very healing for me. I got some past life whispers and deep down soul stuff.

As I was taking a bath the next day, truly committed to self-care and living in purpose, not on turbo, I felt that lonely edge. I whispered in my mind’s voice, “Who are you? Why do you pop up again?” I was listening to a song from the workshop which I actually love and used to write my novels (second one I promise to finish). That song and a few others always tap me into that lonely me, but in a way I like. She’s the free spirit me too, the love wolf who is loud when she’s silent.

I realized in a past life I wasn’t hurt or poor from being different, but rather ostracized in the most fatal way, that lonely in a crowded room of friends and family. That label of different, weird, the oddball, the misfit. As I followed the energy into this lifetime, I saw that thread run through. I wanted to feel full of my own soul.

I would run from lonely like a motherfucker. I would do anything not to feel it. I’d fill it up with food, stuff, people, alcohol, TV, google, social media, gossip, and writing. I got real and authentic and asked myself to follow this feeling again. I tried to avoid lonely years ago daily and now it only visits on occasion but passes quickly.

What was I looking for? Was people pleasing a way to not feel lonely? No. Not for me. I didn’t actually want to be liked really. I wanted to be validated for something. That damn, elusive enoughness. Was it that? Was it to be heard and seen? No. It was deeper. It was connection. I was looking to feel connected to another person in a meaningful way so that I felt simultaneously connected more to the Divine and to myself.

I realized that’s why I love coaching so much. I love connecting with people for sure and do so daily, but beyond filling people up with Light, there’s more. I love reconnecting them with themselves. There is nothing like feeling our fractured places are actually beautiful and make up the whole.

I’m grateful for that part of me that can feel lonely, she’s timeless. She reminds me to look within and pull back into me. She reminds me to never fear myself or to feel. She always has a gift for me, that dark, shadowy void that always fills with light, but not like a glow…it’s a flame, a fire, a desire. She’s my tribal goddess who is a trailblazer in this and any other lifetimes and she knows…oh she knows so much. And finally she isn’t going to be quiet anymore. She is that vulnerable, brave, bold badass that would rather die than feel she can’t be authentic.

P. S. More shares as I integrate all of yesterday.

I’m not Martha Stewart

Before Pinterest social media showing off, I had two kids. I sewed some clothes, baked some cakes, glitterized Christmas balls, made some jewelry, and a general crafting phase would come and go. I only had Martha to go by. I knew I’d never be her. I was happy with my little projects.

Enter the new world of “those” moms. I admire those moms. I am friends with those moms. I love those moms.  I stay in my lane. They stay in theirs. I venture to that side and I’ll cook some amazing soup, but then I get ambitious. I get cocky. I try to dye Easter eggs using natural methods like foods. I see some pins on Pinterest. I rebel. I wing it.  I am not one of those moms.

I tried.  I prepped the night before.  Spinach for green, beet for pink, red cabbage for purple, turmeric for yellow, and paprika for orange. We waited.
I tried. I prepped the night before. Spinach for green, beet for pink, red cabbage for purple, turmeric for yellow, and paprika for orange. We waited.

Nothing.

My oldest son Aidan busted out the food coloring when his few didn't turn color.  Just a white egg.
My oldest son Aidan busted out the food coloring when his few didn’t turn color. Just a white egg.

Of course they got carried away.

Hulk egg is what he was going for.
Hulk egg is what he was going for.

Meanwhile, I’m brainstorming. Add some vinegar. I only have Apple Cider Dr. Braggs. Hey, I’ll give it a whirl.

More playing.  At least they had fun.
More playing. At least they had fun. My middle son Finnegan’s Hulk egg masterpiece.

Now, I’m thinking…what dyes things? Tomato sauce dyes my Tupperware and white sink, plus the kids clothes when they eat spaghetti and I don’t catch the stain in time.

Food coloring made some cool eggs.
Food coloring made some cool eggs. My youngest son Seamus created this design.

As I dunk the eggs that are resistant to my natural methods into the tomato sauce I’m thinking Pizzeria eggs and totally cracking myself up. Wouldn’t it be cool if it worked?

My middle son just says forget it after his Hulk egg and eats a few.  Look at how cool the inside is.  It's art.
Finnegan just says forget it after his Hulk egg and eats a few. Look at how cool the inside is. It’s art.

I’m now telling them (like I’m on like a TED talk) about what Mommy is teaching them here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not nice all the time. I can be mean, stern mom often with five kids with three of them being “spirited” boys. But let me have my TED/good mom moment here. I say, “You know what I’m teaching you guys here? Determination. I didn’t lose sixty pounds, write two books, and become a successful life coach by giving up. You try something. It doesn’t work. You try something else. That doesn’t work. You try something else. That doesn’t work…you what?

The youngest two boys are still in the room and they echo, “You try something else.” I smile.  Patting myself on the back, I leave the eggs to stew in my concoctions and make my Butternut squash soup. I Facebook. I referee with the boys fighting. I give someone a pep talk.  I play with the baby. Isn’t she adorable?

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She’s so very. My Dylaney Maeve.

 

The final outcome. In the words of Finn as I explain that I’m sharing this story in a blog. “Did you say…EPIC FAIL? Nice try though.”

I say, “No, it wasn’t a failure. Two eggs turned out okay.”

Blue one was from boiled red cabbage with a little vinegar added after a while and the yellow one is from turmeric with vinegar as well.
Blue one was from boiled red cabbage with a little vinegar added after a while and the yellow one is from turmeric with vinegar as well.

Funny thing is in my twenties, as a stay-at-home mom, I would watch Martha Stewart’s show and drool.  I would have felt like a failure with this egg incident. I wouldn’t have told anyone it didn’t turn out because I would have been embarrassed. I would have been mad at myself and gotten crabby. I would have felt stupid. Thank God, I don’t focus on my shortcomings anymore. Self-love transformed me.  Back then, I felt in competition with other moms and other women in general.  At 37, I celebrate the great things about those moms and all women, knowing their strengths do not take away from me.  We all get to be beautiful, smart, and a wonderful in our own unique ways.

For my wins…first of all, I take a mean selfie.

New Victoria's Secret off the shoulder sweatshirt and MAC lipstick, color named Ruby Woo.  Love the name.  I captioned a selfie on Instagram..."Red lipstick solves evverything."  It sure makes me feel good!
New Victoria’s Secret off the shoulder sweatshirt and MAC lipstick, color named Ruby Woo. Love the name. I captioned a selfie on Instagram…”Red lipstick solves everything.” It sure makes me feel good!

Okay, not a full win in parenting department, but my two older boys have been cleaning their room…slowly…like turtle speed, but it’s progress. Last night Aidan was supposed to go home and clean, but he literally passed out on my parents’ couch after dinner.

Allergies?  A cold?  He really wasn't feeling great, but he was at a sleepover the night before.  Quite suspicious!  Today...quite better.
Allergies? A cold? He really wasn’t feeling great, but he was at a sleepover the night before. Quite suspicious! Today…quite better.

Totally not a win, but had to share super funny pic.  I think he has a future in stand up.

Seamus put on his baby sisters coat as we were getting coats on to leave my parents' house.  Dennis the Menace.  God made him cute for a reason.  Remember, he's spirited.
Seamus put on his baby sister’s coat as we were getting ready to leave my parents’ house. Dennis the Menace. God made him cute for a reason. Remember, he’s spirited.

Hope you had a good weekend.  Remember, life’s too short to be hard on yourself. Just let Martha be Martha and you be you. You’re a total rockstar in your own right. Btw…I’ll never stop trying to be crafty. I can’t help myself. Wish me lucky tomorrow as I purchase stuff for the preschool Easter party on Thursday. (Yes, I’m getting a pre-made kit and I’m not ashamed of it.

P.S. My oldest daughter could become the next Martha Stewart, only in her own crafty awesomeness. Watch out, Pinterest, McKayla will be one to watch for.

The Curse of The Positive Thinker

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Photo credit: Macpherson Family Photography

People think I’m always happy because of my writing and coaching. I’m a life coach. So yes, I help change people’s lives. I have answers. I have tools to create more happiness. I’m a healer. I can tap into cosmic greatness. I still bleed though. I’m not talking literally here, but rather I’m not immune to the human experience as a whole which can make negative thoughts cross my mind for a moment or not the best words come out of my mouth. Especially when my kids are fighting, I can be out of coaching mode so much that I look like a lunatic. Rest assured, I’m not. I’m almost normal.

This curse is not really a curse actually, but rather just authenticity. It’s a personal truth. I am not always positive in my own life. Audience goes quiet and there’s a sigh of relief…I hope.

A few years ago, I felt like this made me a fraud. Then a coach I respected told me not to wait until everything was perfect in my own life, in order to coach others. It was freeing. I only had four kids then and more to learn about myself.

Last summer, I was trying to focus on my writing and enjoy being with my kids, treating my business as a hobby at times. I was feeling off. Perfection can be a trap (one of the titles in my book Sexpot With Stretch Marks is Perfectionism is a Crap Trap). It is. I had to reexamine my priorities, energy, focus, thinking, belief, everything. I felt lost and unclear about the right direction and afraid I would not achieve what I knew in my heart was both my destiny and dream. I told my husband I wasn’t happy and that things needed to change. I was getting sucked back into motherhood.

Don’t get me wrong. I love being a mother. I was born to do it. I’ve been one for almost 18 years. It’s just not enough for me. I have ambition and I want to be around for my kids. I’m a have your cake and eat it girl. I almost cringe at that word “balance” anymore. People always say to me “I don’t know how you do it all?” I feel like I’m missing something when they say that, like I should be cleaning or something. I have to remind myself not to fall for a positive thinking perfectionism, where I’m not allowed to feel it all.

The truth is I’m human. I’m a kickass coach, life catalyst, mojo expert, #1 best-selling author, mother of five, supportive wife, blogger, and more, but the human part can feel the most real. I’m very spiritual. I feel energy. It’s called an empath. I see it as all emotions are okay in theory, but anger I judge in myself and my kids. Concepts are so easy to write, teach, and coach about…but I have five kids…which is FIVE different personalities I have to try to manage or give room to grow at any given moment. I had to learn I do not create their happiness nor do they disallow mine.

Adding the marketing, advertising, and business side to my big life last summer was taking the fun and magic out of a lot of what I loved about coaching, writing, blogging and life. I decided to get self-full again. (Moms must remember self-care equals a happy family. Selfish is bullshit…call it happiness survival.)

Just know you can be the most positive person in the world and have a bad day, get in a funk, be a raging bitch for an hour, or experience the variety pack of emotions and still fall in the positive category. I’m always a rockstar of me no matter what emotion may rise, I still got it.

Being positive will change your life. But you will have feelings that lead you to more of yourself, more desire, clarity, and expansion. They might not feel pretty. You may cry, yell, feel confused, feel like a big fat phony because you feel like you’re back to square one, new student on the first day of school. It’s okay. You can feel that way when you reach a new level of awesome. Don’t believe what doubt tells you. Your bad days don’t take away from your accomplishments, your genius, or how much you have learned. Coaches, healers, positive thinkers can say “I don’t know” or feel like their tank is empty. I won’t judge you. You’re a human, not a robot. On the other side is always the pot of gold. You feel freer, lighter, truer, richer, and you will know more. Don’t be afraid you’re off your path EVER. You can’t get off of it. The journey that you’re creating every day will have hills, valleys, sunny days, clouds, rain, traffic, wind, joy rides where you’re alone on the road and you need it all to appreciate the stillness of getting to your new destination before you take off in a new adventure of desire. Positive thinkers, it’s okay to be perfectly you on a bad day and eat all the chocolate you can find. You’re amazing. Don’t forget it. Transformation is never on pause, folks.

BUSINESS STUFF***(Psst…pretty headshots and great ads look nice, but I’ll always be me.) When looking for a coach, trust your gut, go by your feeling, not savvy words or glossy look to anything. You should resonate with their philosophies. You will know who is right for you. Not one coach is right for everyone. Never let anyone pressure to act now or you’ll explode. Marketing people, don’t kill me for that, but there is a difference between creating urgency for people to have their best life and dragging people down the road to true happiness when they’re not ready. A no is no. A maybe is a maybe. You will always get more clients. You do not need to use force to be a force. And there is no competition with coaches. We are all different flavors and plenty of customers looking over the menu.

How old are you in fashion years?

Do you dress your age?

What is your fashion age?

This is not a judgement about how you dress, just a myth-busting blog here. The idea of dressing your age is asinine. Magazines have shown us for years what to wear in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and beyond. I don’t dress my age because I don’t believe in that. An age does not come with a package of clothing appropriate for that decade or number. Yes, babies should not wear high heels, but children are not part of the point here.

How old are you in fashion years?  Where do you shop?  Where do you want to shop?  What do you want to get away with, but feel like you can’t pull it off?  Answer:  Just decide it.  Love yourself.  And own it, work it, live it.  You can change your style whenever you want…and your life to. Let’s first start with the clothes though.

I love Forever 21. I’m almost 38. I would never want to be 21 again. I don’t pretend I’m in my 20’s. What would that even mean? I know some people judge women when they dress sexy or too “young” as wrong or trying too hard. What if they are just trying to be themselves. I dress for me. It’s fun. I’ve been experimenting with style since I was a kid, minus a few years in my early twenties where I was pretending to look the part of a mom.

I lost myself in the idea of what a mom “should” look, do, and act like. That repressed life force, that hiding of my wildness and untapped creativity made me angry. Rage is something I know well and I’ve embraced my own shadow side which has been angry and acted a fool in many ways. I still love her…as in the dark side of me.  I am more Light, of course, but I own my shadow as well.  Maybe there are some people just full of Light, that lack the depths I’ve explored in the human experience. I’ve been clinically depressed, suffered terrible anxiety, and felt lonely in a crowd, wearing it like an old coat. I taught myself how to love myself enough to become me…and wear fishnets, short jean skirt, and gold high heels on a Wednesday in New Jersey, ownin’ it like I’m a hipster 25 year old in NYC.  Fashion is one of my vibe raisers. It makes me who I am. But I don’t base my opinion of others on what they wear. I realize there are clothes people and car people and cat people…and people that prioritize things different than me. I’m hot for fashion.  I’m thinking my fashion age is 25.  What’s yours?  Have you figured it out yet?  If you don’t like fashion, don’t sweat it.  Just be you and live for yourself first, sweet peach.

25 year old me dressing fashion age 38...at least.
25 year old me dressing fashion age 38…at least.

What a difference a decade and self-love make?
The 30’s me embraced my writing, found myself, and created my reinvention.

38 year old me dressing fashion age 25.
37 year old me dressing fashion age 25.

As I was driving home from getting my hair done, all lookin’ cute and fierce, Prince was playing on the radio, taking me back to my 80’s childhood. Then what came on next was Alanis Morrisette. I thought about driving around playing that tape after I graduated high school and had no idea what I wanted to do in life. I thought of how I love life so much more than my 18 year old self could imagine. 18 year old me would never have believed we would be pregnant and married the next year. Best things to ever happen to me though.  My hubby and oldest daughter have taught me so much.  The rainbow after the storm of my teens.  I should have saved the clothes though. They’re all coming back now.  90’s clothes and 70’s clothes, which is funny because 70’s clothes were cool in the 90’s too as I rocked some bell bottoms and tye-dyes.  I see my life through pictures and what I was wearing at what age.  I love being trendy, but also, just deciding on a look and going for it. Stay tuned to all the florals I have coming up in my vacation fashion next month. And sunglasses. I’m obsessed with them.  I did get some clothes my oldest daughter deemed “my age.”  I laughed.  Of course, I’ll trend them up with some sunnies and headbands.  Growing out the bangs is a pain.  Headbands help.  I got a silver one that reminds me of Alexis from Dynasty.  I still love the clothes and glam from that era.

So back to my outfit from today and my fashion age.  I realized I had to go to one of my kids’ schools and looked at my outfit.  My 25 year old outfit on a 37 year old.

“What is she wearing?”
“Did you see what she’s wearing?”
“A mother shouldn’t dress like that?”
“Where does she think we live?”

The old me, which ruled the roost until age 33, would have thought that people were thinking and saying these things and go into shame for wearing what I wanted.  I know people could still do that, but what my inner voice I said when I looked at my fishnets…”Oh well.”  I don’t care if people like how I dress.  If they judge me, that’s their judgement.  I played small for many years, afraid to be this chick I am now…loud and proud…wild and free…and owning it.  I love to help empower, inspire, and uplift others, even if only through what I post online.  There is lots of good stuff in my book, “Sexpot With Stretch Marks” if you want to read more from me.  If you want to find, discover, or reclaim your mojo like I did, contact me.  I work on lots of stuff with people, all of which go through a mind-body-spirit change.  I transform lives through my coaching.   It’s beautiful to be a part of.

Lesson here:
In your 20’s: Wear what you want, have fun, and love yourself.
In your 30’s: Wear what you want, have fun, love yourself fully…forgive the 20’s you.
In your 40’s: Wear what you want, have fun, love yourself completely…no for real this time.
In your 50’s: Wear what you want, have fun, love yourself unabashedly and live like it’s no longer dress rehearsal.
In your 60’s: Wear what you want, have fun, love yourself to the depth of core and do whatever the hell you want.
In your 70’s: Wear what you want, have fun, and love yourself…you don’t need anyone else’s advice.  You got this.

Instead of dressing your age, dress for your vibe.  It’s so freeing.  If you only live in sweatpants because you love comfort, rock those sweats with pride.  They do sell them with sequins on.  Just sayin’.  I own them.   Smooches!

Chicks let’s unite, and mind our own beeswax. Confessions from a wild mom.

Oh, the stories my kids will tell about me.
Oh, the stories my kids will tell about me.

I was talking with one of my girlfriends this week who is married and is not going to have kids. I applaud her. I love choices. I joked that I had enough for the both of us. She has an amazing business that is growing at a super speed. Being a mother is hardcore with five kids over here and add working, it’s a crazy thing people throw around that’s an illusion called “balance.” It will look different for everyone and changes by the day. Do I need a break sometimes? At least five times a week, the other two days, my hubby is off. True story.

I know of some mothers who chose to not want to be a full time mother anymore, which I wonder, without judgment, if they had any question before they had kids if they really wanted to be a mother? Make no mistake here though, children should be raised by those who will love them and if a mother is going to resent them and be cold towards them, it is not good for kids. They feel it.

I have felt drained by motherhood many times in my almost 18 years of it. I love them with all of my heart, but feel zero guilt about this. It’s real. I became a mom at age 20 and did an amazing job when I consider that as well. I learned to use that low and empty feeling as a barometer on my own mojo-life force-energy. I have to fill myself up and create my own happiness. That is not their job. Kids should not dictate our mood or vibration. I have to remind myself of this daily, but would not trade it for anything in the world. I always knew I wanted to be a mom….just didn’t know there would be so many.

I feel so blessed they chose me. I believe souls can do that. They have become my students and teachers, little secret gurus who have no idea when they hold up the mirror, I can see my shadow side and my light. Always a growth experience, this human gig. Ya know?

I write what I can always without dragging their stuff out into the world as it’s my mission to let both my best version of me out, fierce in fiery words, and grace in its holy sacred. There is always the balance between mother and woman, and yet, every woman is balancing something as we inherently come mentally equip for that. I don’t believe we have to sacrifice. We can have it all, just not everything from the buffet on one plate at the same time.

My career is important to me for my own fulfillment and I could never go back to being a stay-at-home mom exclusively. Without writing, coaching, and having a strong message to spread to the world, I wouldn’t be me.  It makes me who I am.  Being a mother is part of my core and the goddess self who expresses herself and heals others is her juxtaposition.  My kids see a woman who believes in her dreams and works for it. I have found my passions and there will be more I discover along the way. My kids will never have a “perfect” mom. But they’ll have a mom who’s alive not just in the physical sense, but that wild heart-soul deep kind. I live my truth and love to empower other women to do the same.

There is no need to keep score with other women or compete on how they live. Their business, parenting, balance, romantic life, and choices are about them. There is no us versus them. Women united equals freedom. Let them do them well and you do you well. We all win then. Focus on your garden and plant more good seeds, goddesses. Respecting others makes you even more beautiful.

Get Your Mind In Shape

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It’s great to tone up your thighs, but the real life changer is to tone up your thoughts. Focus higher. Solutions reside there.  Your mindset is a magnet.

What are you really saying to yourself today?  What are you thinking about?  What are you looking for?  What are you truly seeking?  I seek to see the beauty in every day, even in the unwanted or the annoyances, I can feel for more of an expansion of myself within as it happens.   Let yourself expand. It’s all part of the fun of being human.  The ultimate goal should always be self-acceptance. Beyond the fanciful feathers and fluff, the real down core you.

Why are you explaining yourself? Or what you want, why you want it, or why you deserve it?  Explaining is draining?  Do you give away your power all the time by playing the victim?  Can you drop the old stories?  What does being liked, validated, or accepted really get you…does it guarantee happiness?  Do you need people to like or agree with you?  I spent years trying to win over people and the world, in fact, but really all I had to do was win myself over. Then I won.  Self-acceptance was the prize.  Remember, your focus is a laser on life and your mindset is a magnet.

Who
What
Where
…is your FOCUS?

Feeling
Our
Core,
Understanding
Self

Your life is about your focus and mindset, regardless of how many marathons you train or how many cute outfits you buy.  How much does your happiness cost?  What about self-acceptance?  What about all the money you spend on diet plans, gym memberships or exercise programs, or physical stuff to make your body look better?  Is that making you FEEL better?  What you’re looking for is a feeling.  What if you’re really asking for a book on mindset, wellness retreat, meditation CD’s, online spiritual program, or a life coach?  Ask yourself…what do I need?  What you I want?  Clarity is golden.  There are no wrong answers, just choices.

Ask for signs.  You are always being guided by your soul with crumbs along your path if you’re open to them.  Your soul is also responding to your focus, taking it as a cue to what’s important to you and supporting you in that.  This is how the Law of Attraction works.  Your dominant feelings tell your soul what you want more of.  See how feeling good is a win-win.   Pay attention to where your attention is and you will see how much power you actually have.

I’m cheering you on in the self-acceptance and in the wanting to improve.  I will always be improving, because I’ll be learning about myself and life for as long as I live.  It makes us more alive.  I want to live a full lived life after all. Don’t you?

Love & Smoochie Blessings,
Jenny G. Perry
Mojo Expert-Life Catalyst

P.S.  I’ve seen a ton of Facebook ads lately and email galore that are just pure salesy.  Here’s my take…

Marketing is not one size fits all to me. I magnetize people to me through love. People want to work with me because I make them feel good and they trust me. You can catch some fish in your net by making them feel bad, like they need you to survive or thrive in any or all areas of their life. Those fish will always eventually swim away. Make people believe in themselves and possibilities and you don’t even need a net. They swim to you.