I’m all wide open from the workshop last Sunday which was facilitated by Jennifer Pastiloff. In meditation this morning, I created another journey for my clients by accident but it was very healing for me. I got some past life whispers and deep down soul stuff.
As I was taking a bath the next day, truly committed to self-care and living in purpose, not on turbo, I felt that lonely edge. I whispered in my mind’s voice, “Who are you? Why do you pop up again?” I was listening to a song from the workshop which I actually love and used to write my novels (second one I promise to finish). That song and a few others always tap me into that lonely me, but in a way I like. She’s the free spirit me too, the love wolf who is loud when she’s silent.
I realized in a past life I wasn’t hurt or poor from being different, but rather ostracized in the most fatal way, that lonely in a crowded room of friends and family. That label of different, weird, the oddball, the misfit. As I followed the energy into this lifetime, I saw that thread run through. I wanted to feel full of my own soul.
I would run from lonely like a motherfucker. I would do anything not to feel it. I’d fill it up with food, stuff, people, alcohol, TV, google, social media, gossip, and writing. I got real and authentic and asked myself to follow this feeling again. I tried to avoid lonely years ago daily and now it only visits on occasion but passes quickly.
What was I looking for? Was people pleasing a way to not feel lonely? No. Not for me. I didn’t actually want to be liked really. I wanted to be validated for something. That damn, elusive enoughness. Was it that? Was it to be heard and seen? No. It was deeper. It was connection. I was looking to feel connected to another person in a meaningful way so that I felt simultaneously connected more to the Divine and to myself.
I realized that’s why I love coaching so much. I love connecting with people for sure and do so daily, but beyond filling people up with Light, there’s more. I love reconnecting them with themselves. There is nothing like feeling our fractured places are actually beautiful and make up the whole.
I’m grateful for that part of me that can feel lonely, she’s timeless. She reminds me to look within and pull back into me. She reminds me to never fear myself or to feel. She always has a gift for me, that dark, shadowy void that always fills with light, but not like a glow…it’s a flame, a fire, a desire. She’s my tribal goddess who is a trailblazer in this and any other lifetimes and she knows…oh she knows so much. And finally she isn’t going to be quiet anymore. She is that vulnerable, brave, bold badass that would rather die than feel she can’t be authentic.
P. S. More shares as I integrate all of yesterday.