Welcoming this New Moon, I need this shift in energy personally. My intention is peace and prosperity. I share a lot, but keep certain things to myself as a blogger and writer. This is not about keeping up a persona, but rather that I’m a mommy. I don’t think it’s fair to share all of my kids mistakes and shortcomings. Each age has it’s good and bad, each child unique, with it’s own potential to drive this zen craver insane and yearning to run away. (Don’t worry, I’d only run to the grocery store.)
With five kids, a few all revved up with summer wildness and weird anticipation of school next week, it’s been insane. I’ve had ridiculous moments of epic stress. For the first time, as my friend Jennifer reminded me, I have had five children in a summer. Last year, I only had four kids and I technically wasn’t working from home, I was writing and dreaming big. So working on many projects, figuring my career out, creating income and another thing she reminded me…that I have super high standards for myself. With that, my anger lately has made me feel like shit at times.
I’m so in my zone when I’m with clients, customers, students, and talking about self-empowerment and spirituality. But when my sons are fighting constantly, it has been throwing me off…not cause I don’t know my shit. I know I know my shit and my walking my talk is this. I’m human. I’m convinced this stuff would throw off 99% of the population. Especially judging by the looks of people watching my kids duke it out on the beach who probably think I’m a big mean ball of rage.
Yesterday, I came home and opened the door to a room full of smoke. Everything was okay, don’t worry. But my thirteen year old made a cooking mistake and the kitchen, living room, and hallway filled with smoke. I walked in, baby on hip, and twisted my ankle on the boogie boards he had dropped as he ran into the kitchen. I came down on my elbow, and thank God when baby went down with me, my arms buffered her fall. She was fine. She just looked at me as if…why’d you do that, Ma? I landed on my right knee and it really hurt. I made the kids go outside and we aired out the house. I sat on my steps in a surrender moment. I called my husband and cried a little. Later on, I cried some more in my glass of wine, as I iced my knee when the kids were asleep.
I have had such a mix of emotions lately and they’re all good. Does it make me less badass goddess cause I have my dark moments? Hell no. I wouldn’t trust anyone who is perfect on paper, online, or otherwise that doesn’t bleed sometimes, have a heart, and weaknesses if you want to call it that. I own my light and my dark, my sunshine and shadows. Ahh…today I’m going to try to be easy on myself and my kids. Centering back into gratitude, I find myself.
I put yesterday to bed and start anew. Next week, my oldest starts Senior year and this makes me beyond emotional. And then as if the cosmic greatness doesn’t already show me it has a great sense of humor, the baby was trying to nurse last night while using me for a teething ring. Folks, we have two teeth coming in. LOL! This week is gonna rock though, I can feel it. I’m going to fluff up my wings and keep flying again.